* A brain surgeon receives a phone call from a colleague on a Saturday night. "We need another poker player for tonight" the friend says. "I'll be there right away!" the doctor replies with a sense of urgency. As he puts on his coat and makes his way out the door his wife asks him "Is it serious?" and the doctor replies "Oh, very! There are 3 other doctors already there!"


* A homeless man asks another man for two dollars. The man says "Will you use the money to buy booze?" The homeless man replies "No sir, I don't drink." The man then asks "Will you use the money to gamble?" The homeless man replies "No sir, I don't gamble." So the man says "Do me a favor and come home with me. I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."


* A man calls his wife at work and tells her "honey... I have some bad news. We just won the 3 million dollar state lottery." and the wife replies "Bad news? How is that bad news! We can finally live out our dreams!" to which the man responds "The payout is 3 dollars a year for a million years."

* A man joins gambler's anonymous. He's given three-to-one odds he won't make it.


* A man sits down at a poker game and consistently calls another man's bluff. The other man asks "how could you tell I was lying?" and the man replies "because your chips were moving."


* A man walks into a poker room and notices two men and a dog playing poker. The dog was playing exceptionally well and the man comments "Wow, that's one smart dog!". "Not too smart." one of the men at the table replies. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."


* A weekly Friday night poker game was going strong well into the midnight hour when one of the players from the game returned from a bathroom break with a shocked look to him. "David!" he said with urgency, "Come quick! Your wife is in the bathroom making love to your brother!". "Ok guys" David replied, "this is absolutely the last hand!"


* A woman walks into living room and sees her brother playing poker with their dog. "Wow!" she exclaimed, "You must have the smartest dog in the world!" and her brother replies "He's not all that smart. I've beaten him 3 out of 5 games so far."


* How can you get a "professional" poker player to get off your front doorstep? Pay him for the pizza.

* How can you get a sweet and gentle old lady to say the word "fu@k"? Get another sweet and gentle old lady to yell BINGO!

* How is a women like a casino? Liquor in the front, poker in the back!

* Some people have luck that goes from good to bad in an instant. Take this one friend of mine for example. He almost always draws whatever card he needs to win a hand of poker, but almost always loses big at the horse races! I asked him about this and he once replied "Well, they don't let me shuffle the horses."

* There are three testaments of poker everyone should know:
1. Don't ask a dealer what the odds are on strip poker
2. When playing Caribbean poker, don't play with a fake Jamaican accent
3. Never butt into a private poker game and ask "mind if I join in?"


* Two dog owners were bragging about their pets. The first man says "My dog was one of the brighest I've ever had. He was a hound dog and a real whiz at poker, but I had to put him down." The second man asked "Why would you put down a poker playing dog?" and the first man replied "Because he kept marking his cards!"

* Upon entering a poker hall, a stranger notices a sign posted on a wooden door that reads: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! The man opens the door slowly and, inside, notices a harmless old dog sleeping on the floor. He turns to the poker room manager and asks "Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?". The manager replies "Sure is!" The stranger, amused, says "That dog certainly doesn't look like it could do much damage. Why would you put such a sign on your door?" "Because," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign everyone kept tripping over him."

* What's the difference between a man praying at a poker table and another man praying in a church? The one at the poker table means it.

__________________
Judge Me & I'll Prove you wrong
Tell me what to do & I'll tell you off
Call me an Asshole & I'll Show you one
Say I am not worth it & see where I end Up
Fuck me over & I'll do it to you Twice as bad
Call me Crazy but you really have no idea